The Ward Read online

  The Ward

  Dusty Miller

  Copyright 2014 Dusty Miller

  This Smashwords Edition was published by Dusty Miller

  Cover design by J. Thornton

  ISBN 978-1-927957-07-3

  The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person living or deceased, or to any places or events, is purely coincidental. Names, places, settings, characters and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination. The author’s moral right has been asserted.

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Table of Contents

  Scene One

  Scene Two

  Scene Three

  About the Author

  The Ward

  Dusty Miller

  Scene One

  There was quite the crowd out there that day.

  Their little conversation was but one of many. The sudden gusts of wind died for a moment. A ripple of laughter went through a cluster of people ten feet away, but the pair was oblivious.

  “You say you love me, but I never know whether that’s the meds talking or whether it’s you talking, Ben.”

  He couldn’t resent it, although he might have if anyone else had said it. She really didn’t know much about him and would dislike him on principle if he told her who he was and where he was coming from. Rather, where he had been.

  “The bug-juice is not what makes me want to take you somewhere nice, and make mad, passionate love to you. That’s pretty much me talking, Rene. That part is all me, Rene.”

  She looked awfully downcast, afraid to look him in the eye and maybe see a lie. He didn’t think she was stupid or anything, not in that sense. But that’s why she wouldn’t look up, painful as that was to know. Ben just wanted to make her understand. He knew she liked him in some way, but then she liked pretty much everybody. Rene didn’t have an evil bone in her body or a mean cell either. Ben wanted something so much more than that. She was such a fragile creature and so painfully shy when she was around Ben. She was more animated with some of the others, even the guys.

  That had to mean something.

  It was a defense mechanism, he figured. It kept her safe or something. They were all on meds, every last one of them, and probably most of the staff too.

  It kept her safe from what, exactly? The only logical answer was guys like him.

  “Please don’t be angry. I can’t help but have thoughts, Ben.” Rene finally looked up at him, wide-eyed and innocent, and his pulse pounded just as it ever did when he was around her.

  There was a fully-formed person in there, there had to be. She’d been a full-grown adult once. Before she withdrew, from the world, and from life itself. Before she withdrew from reality.

  There was a bigger story here. There had to be some background. She would tell it in her own time, and only to the right person.

  That was the Rene he sought, the woman who once was.

  That was the person he wanted to know.

  “Aw. So you really care what I think, then?” This was a novel thing, in his experience. “Look. Why don’t we have dinner together? Something intimate, just you and me. I’ll be a perfect gentleman. I promise. ”

  Rene’s face was down. She plucked at a bit of skin sticking out beside a fingernail. It was red and the skin was shiny and smooth and swollen.

  “What’s an awful place like that doing on a nice girl like you?” She looked up and tried to smile but it faltered.

  Face falling, she chewed on her lip, eyes going back and forth, seeking some escape and yet not taking it.

  There really wasn’t anything stopping her. He hated to think she might just be trying to be polite, afraid to offend Ben or hurt his feelings. She really was serious about something. Maybe she’d heard something. People said all kinds of stupid things in here, mostly about other people. They also said some stupid things about themselves. He had something he wanted to tell her. It was something very personal. People had some interesting sources of information, and the occasional rumour came true.

  This was something that affected both of them.

  “It’s okay, Rene.” He spoke gently. “I’ll just go away, if you would only say so.”

  It would be a hell of a lot less painful, especially in the long run.

  He’d already tried that one, and she had said so, and so he had gone, and at the time, it did seem to help. As sweet as she was, deep down inside she didn’t trust too many people. Rightly so, perhaps, considering her looks.

  He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. She didn’t look too happy when he backed off, at least not from any distance. She seemed to cheer up when he came around her again. He had no choice but to risk it. There was no way he could just forget her and move on. They were both members of a captive audience.

  Ben stood close, practically boxing Rene in. She had her back to the wall. They wore their coats and hats, but still had bare legs sticking out at the bottom. Everyone wore slippers, even out here, even in March. It was to keep them from running away. You wouldn’t get too far dressed like that on a day like this.

  He just wanted to be close to her and she didn’t seem to mind all that much. Perhaps it was best if they could keep their voices low. It might not mean much more than that. He wished he could read her, but her pages were all blank, or misty and indistinct. That was it.

  She was the most ephemeral person he had ever met. Therein lay the attraction, maybe.

  Where he came from you were either full of sand, could at least fake some grit, or you didn’t last too long.

  Taking his hand off the glossy-painted and stipple-toned, painted block wall, he took up both of her hands, and eased away some so as not to be too dominating. He wanted her to have a choice. They were eye to eye again.

  “Here, give me that.”

  With parted lips and semi-vacant expression, she looked up in helpless submission. He took her left in his right, brought up the second last finger to his mouth and judiciously took hold of the bit of translucent skin between his teeth.

  “Thith might hult uh widdo bid.” She giggled, eyes dancing again.

  She had to feel something for him. Rene at least tolerated him for some reason.

  He snipped it off with a firm bite.

  “Ow.” She brought it up to her mouth and sucked it, the brief pain almost forgotten.

  Now that there was nothing sticking out to catch on other things, with nothing to irritate it, it would quickly heal.

  “No. Thank you, my dear.”

  She looked up, mystified.

  “Um, you taste good.” He made a show of chewing something.

  She giggled again, looking down and away. Her eyes came back to his and Rene laughed openly, slapping Ben lightly on the chest. It meant something. He was sure of that.

  She didn’t hate him or anything.

  “Aw. Go on.” She batted her eyelashes at him, managing to look hopeless at flirting and yet so very fetching at the same time.

  She knew what he wanted, what all guys wanted on some level—Ben could hardly deny it. But there was more, a lot more to that story. That was the part she didn’t seem to get. There was something in her smile, in the the way her eyes flashed. There was no guile in her.

  That part was real. She was just dying to trust him, to find some good in him. So far, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to really trust him. He was amusing enough in his own way, he suppos
ed, cringing inwardly on the thought.

  He didn’t believe she could ever be cruel. She simply didn’t have it in her and thank God for that. She must have been hurt before. It was hard to think of her in that way. But then, it was also hard to think of her in any other way.

  She had expected little or nothing of him. It’s just that she was nice to everybody, no matter how ignorant, or obnoxious. Somehow she remained untainted by the bitterness that he saw all around. She was the only one he’d ever met in a place like this who didn’t spew out their story pretty much on first acquaintance.

  Some of the other males were downright grabby. There were one or two of them in here right now. He wondered how she’d fared. But he was here and they were still in check somehow.

  He wanted to be better than that.

  He did not want to be like them.

  He wanted to get Rene out of there.

  “So what do you say? Come on, it’ll be nice. We’ll get away from this stinkin’ crowd, at least for a little while.”

  “Jeez, I don’t know, Ben—”

  He stepped in closer, putting his head down and butting the top of her head with his forehead.

  He held her lightly by the elbows.

  She snickered, hands up on his chest but not pushing him away.

  He took her arms, one at a time, and put them around himself. She didn’t tear herself away. He swayed from side to side at the hips, humming a little tune, feeling the warmth of her against him. He watched that lovely face from above. She just didn’t know what to do, maybe. She was all too suggestible and he feared for her for just that reason. He feared for his own soul at times like this. They had necked a bit, once or twice, and then Rene got real shy. She avoided him for a day or two and then Rene had reluctantly allowed him in closer again. He was taking that one step at a time. He didn’t want her fear—that was the worst thing. It was the worst sort of man as well. Looming large above her, he hugged her as gently as possible. He lifted her chin. He stared into those nervous eyes, and just nodded.

  She licked her lips and looked deathly frightened. Yet she couldn’t tear herself away. She was completely passive. That’s one of the things he found really scary about Rene. She was too uninvolved in her own surroundings, and in her own fate.

  All she had to do was to tell him to go away, and he would go away. He hoped she understood that.

  “Look, I can’t help it. I like you, Rene.” It was like laying a big guilt trip on her.

  As soon as he realized it, he shut up.

  He was being unfair.

  If only she liked him. For some reason he didn’t know—wasn’t sure.

  He could never be sure.

  She was in the habit of leaving it all up to others, and the problem was that he liked her too much to take it on those terms.

  Ben thought she must have been a victim at some point. She might have been a victim many times, and yet it didn’t seem to define her in any way. She never referred to it—she was just gone, somehow.

  There was always the future—there was always hope.

  Ben knew a thing or two about hope.

  “Oh, Rene.” He kissed the bridge of her nose, as her eyes darted back and forth.

  “Oh, Rene…Earth calling Rene…”

  She giggled, arms dropping away, and he stepped back. He held her at arm’s length. Finally she found the courage to say what was on her mind. Slowly she was opening up to him—he could see that, but it was slow and painful and had to be in little wee baby steps.

  “But where, Ben?” He couldn’t get out and she probably didn’t have any money.

  He’d never really considered that before, but it was a side issue anyway.

  Ben was in an open ward of four males. They couldn’t go there very well.

  Rene had put two and two together.

  “Old Missus Beck next door…” She looked up, searching his eyes. “That scrawny old man on the other side…he’s always watching me.”

  He likes you, Rene. He’s bored stiff and he has no life of his own and you’re the most wonderful thing in this whole miserable place.

  You couldn’t really say that, could you? So much better for everyone to live in a state of permanent denial.

  Too many of them had no hope and would never get out of there. He, at least, stood a chance. He was making damn sure of it. Rene might stand a chance. Some of them didn’t even care anymore. If that was what had happened to her, then it was a real tragedy.

  Then it was too late already.

  He could not, would not accept that. She deserved better.

  It was wrong, for someone like her, to give up on themselves. There must be some way.

  Words failed him for a moment.

  “So. She won’t know. We’ll be real quiet and she’ll be gone anyway. I won’t ask you to trust me. But I say this very seriously. I won’t sneak around for you, Rene.”

  He was being a little hard on her, but he had a purpose.

  Her mouth pursed in an O. One thing he liked, when she looked him in the eye, she stayed put.

  “I am not ashamed of my feelings for you, Rene.”

  Ben stepped further back decisively.

  “I want people to know how I feel about you. I’m proud of it.”

  She stared at the floor.

  “How you feel about me is also an important question. And it’s like you don’t even seem to really know yourself, although…” He paused, choosing his words carefully. “Although, so far you haven’t screamed bloody murder or asked me to go away. Well, there was the one time.”

  She didn’t say anything.

  He tried again.

  “We could watch TV. Any show you want. I will read a book aloud to you. I will recite poetry. I will stand on my head and spit quarters, just to be with you, and to have dinner with you.”

  Just the two of us. Far away from the madding crowd…all too literally in several cases.

  She looked up at Ben, suddenly afraid of losing him.

  “Well. Ben. Ben, I don’t know.”

  “Don’t you worry about a thing. I’ve got it all taken care of.”

  Rene’s eyes wandered but then people were passing them on the sidewalk in front of the Institute.

  “Rene, there’s something I really need to talk to you about. Privately, you know?”

  Ben threw down his cigarette butt and quickly lit another. There was no smoking anywhere in the building these days. They only had so much time out there. She didn’t even smoke, but he’d dragged her along and she came with him. They were making progress.

  “Well…all right.” Her eyes searched his. “So, so what do I have to do? Just not go down?”

  Ben nodded encouragingly.

  “Yeah. Good girl. It’s no one’s business but our own.”

  She had no idea of what he meant by that of course.

  The familiar figure of Mister Nushirivani, an unarmed security guard, stepped out of the door and gave a cheerful call. Outside break was over. Butts were tossed and bodies moved towards the side door and vestibule leading directly up to the Third Floor of the Mental Health Annex.

  Rene moved along, close at his side.

  He held her back at the top of the stairs, and they paused while still outside the ward.

  He would have to give her simple and specific instructions. Asking her not to tell anyone about it made him feel furtive—dirty, and dishonest. She just wouldn’t understand the risks and so he left that part out. There were too many other wards, and for her own safety, the staff would move her in a heartbeat. They’d be worried about their own liabilities more than anything. A pregnant patient under their care and charge, a disappearing boyfriend, and yes, he could see their dilemma. That much was clear, and not so romantic, and also something you really couldn’t explain.

  Not to her, anyway. Not at this exact moment. It was an unnecessary risk.

  Voices babbled and the shuffling of slippered feet going by on the way to the Games Room was oppressing him.
They huddled and whispered, him not being too physical and with Rene seemingly calm and untroubled now that the decision was actually made.

  Rene was funny that way.

  Luckily, all Rene had to do was to just stay in her room when everyone else went down to dinner. If anyone asked, which didn’t seem very likely, she could just say she wasn’t hungry. She could say she wasn’t feeling well, or had stomach cramps from her period.

  It was best to keep it simple. The serving people were busy enough at the best of times and the odds were good that she wouldn’t be missed. People took their meals in their rooms all the time. She had nothing to worry about.

  It was just some irrational fear.

  ***

  A light knock came at the door and Rene’s heart fluttered. Her long, pale hands flew to her face and her hair. Gasping slightly for breath, swallowing once or twice convulsively, she tiptoed to the door.

  “Psst.”

  She heard something out there.

  “He-hello?”

  “Come on Baby. It’s me. Open up.”

  She was terribly nervous. He kept calling her that.

  She twisted the knob and then, stepping back, she allowed it to open. His shoulder, his body was right there. Ben came in bearing two heavy plastic trays.

  He nipped in and deposited them on the end of her bed.

  “Coke or Pepsi?”

  “Coke!” She closed the door hastily, yet taking great care not to let it thump or bang when it hit.

  She’d heard people going by earlier, but that might not account for everyone along this particular stretch of corridor. She bounced lightly up and down on her toes, silently golf-clapping and beaming at Ben. He smiled at the sight of her.

  He grabbed her around the waist, and they spun in mindless dance, perhaps a little more so in her case. His heart soared. She was glad to see him. It was an adventure for her, just to do something different.